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An Atheist’s Guide To Women

This guide is provided as assistance to those of us (believer and heathen alike) who have trouble understanding the fairer sex. Neither I nor this blog take any responsibility for injury or loss resulting from misuse of this guide.

  • If a woman, either on-line or in the real world, tells you they will be right back and inform you that the reason for leaving is an urgent need to urinate, it is a fairly safe bet that this woman either likes you or is at least comfortable around you.
  • If a woman asks you the standard “how does this look on me” question, it is always best to advise her to rely on her own sense of taste, possibly with a remark like: “Look at me. Do you really want fashion advice from this guy?” If this fails, running away is then recommended. If this also fails, remain as non-committal as possible, forcing her hand, and she will most likely be too annoyed with you to buy the item in question and will want to leave. This will however sour relations for the rest of the day, so this is to be avoided at all costs.
  • If a woman begins to tell you something and then suddenly stops, and further probing only results in an irritated “It was nothing”, don’t fall for this simple ruse, it was SOMETHING.
  • If a woman you are getting to know seems more interested in your mother than your discussions on Particle Physics or Star Trek, then it is a clear sign that you should steer the conversation into more open waters as her interest in you is slowly running aground among the rocks of overzealous intellectualism.
  • If a woman shares your interest in Particle Physics and Star Trek, it is STILL a good idea to avoid spending 3-4 hours discussing the latest Laser Optimetric method for examining exotic particles.
  • She does not want to see your collection of Action Figures.
  • If you have to be the one to suggest the possibility of a threesome with your attractive female college friend, it is a good sign that making said suggestion will only result in strained tensions. And no, I did not say “strained tendons”.
  • It is quite okay for a woman to comment favourably upon the physical attributes of others, but it is NOT okay for you to do so. In their presence, at least.

This guide is brought to you by the wonderful folks at Midwest Humanists. Please exercise caution when using this guide.



6 Responses

  1. i also agree, sully, that all feedback is welcome and all criticisms too, however, i’m not looking to be exonerated from any offence caused. i’m taking issue with offence caused. the post clearly parodies both male AND female stereotypes and by no means seeks to infer that these stereotypes are in any way accurate or realistic, so any offence caused by the post is simply reading too far into something that was probably a lot funnier in my head. I apologise for causing offence, but i’d also like to say that you’d be silly to be offended by this. also completely disregarding all the other quality posts on this blog from other more talented writers than myself based on a bad joke seems a little self-righteous.

  2. Keri, thanks for the comment, and you should know that feedback is always appreciated.

    For what it’s worth Keri, and with all due respect to my co-blogger, I didn’t find this post clicked with my sense of humour either. I don’t see that as a negative, but rather a reflection on what I feel is the greatest potential strength of our blog – the members of Midwest Humanists are a diverse group from many socio-economic backgrounds, spanning to almost each end of the age spectrum, and holding affinities for various labels. Of course, a smaller cross-section is represented on the blog itself, but I think it’s evident from the various posts, as well as the rollicking good discussions that we get into at meetings that not having everybody agree with each other makes for a more compelling overall experience.

    I don’t think that pointing out that a post was intended as ‘satire and humour’ really exonerates you from offence caused, dj357.

    Keri, you should know that every reader’s opinion is valued and I’d like to encourage anyone who takes issue with what’s been said to share their viewpoint.

  3. uhm, keri, i hope you understand that this was just satire and humour….?

  4. I actually found this to be offensive and sexist.

    I found this blog today through a link on another atheist blog, Unreasonable Faith. Because of this post I don’t think I’ll subscribe.

    I know one potential reader’s opinion probably doesn’t matter to you, but I just wanted to let you know that other readers may find this offensive.

  5. sometimes they need to be 😉

  6. Some of these are worryingly specific…

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