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At Last, it All Makes Sense Now.

I Had A Dream…

Last night, I had a dream.

It was a beautiful summer morning. The birds were chirping, the sun was just finished rising, and I was standing in a pristine field of green. I looked up at the sky and saw fluffy clouds lazily drifting by.

All of a sudden, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, something red in the sky, and I slowly spun to gaze at it. It seemed to evade my eyes every time I tried to focus on it, and see what it was. It was like a blob of red paint, hanging in the sky, and it was getting bigger. The sky began to get darker, the clouds spun away at frightening speeds as if chased from the sky. The sun reversed it’s course in the sky and began to set, defying all logic. As the red blob slowly got bigger, I could see a sickly patch of black emerge from within it.

I was terrified, rooted to the spot, jaw gaping, barely able to breathe, watching this horrific thing unfold from the sky itself. The form emerging from the sky began to take shape. A ball? A fist? Some fingers? A hand!? An arm was emerging from the sky, as if someone was trying to reach out from some other world into ours. My mind shook with the realisation that this was exactly what was happening. Some…Thing was pulling itself through a hole in the sky! It was impossible! I could not believe what I was seeing, but seeing it I was, and it felt so surreal and yet so wholly real at the same time that I could do nothing but watch in horror as this thing slid another arm through the sky, and forced it open wider, making an awful tearing sound that bore deep inside of you and made you feel like a tin can being ripped apart inside a car as it crashes head-first into a wall.

The ground shook. My heart pounded.  The Thing pulled what could only be described as it’s head through the rent in the sky. It looked like a disgusting mass of tentacles where it’s face should be, but as it shrugged them back they resolved into strands of hair, and it’s face emerged from behind the mass of hair. It looked human, dark-skinned and surprisingly normal, for a being ripping it’s way through the sky. The being laughed, or made a sound that could reasonably be approximated to a laugh, and the ground shook with a vicious tremble, forcing me to the ground.

I gazed up at the sky, and saw it turn blood red in the matter of seconds. Things were beginning to fall from the sky and all of the animals around me in the fields began falling over stone dead. The things resolved into flaming fireballs, and rocketed into the ground, shaking me to the core as I gripped the grass trying to steady myself. The Thing laughed it horrible laugh once more, and as I looked up, I could a vicious evil grin on it’s face.

It then reached it’s enormous hand towards me, and before I knew what was happening, I was enclosed in an enormous fist which was pulling me at an impossible speed towards the sky. I screamed and struggled, trying everything to break free of this being’s grip, but all to no avail. Flames rushed past my head as the fireballs streaked towards the earth. The being lifted me close to it’s face, and I struggled to push all of it’s features into focus, but it was simply too massive for that to work. The being eyed me with it’s evil grin, and spoke in a voice that felt like it could rip the skin from my bones. It seemed to scream past me towards the ground as it said “Here’s Jesus!”. I looked up at one humongous eye in pure terror. It blinked at me. I screamed.

I woke up bolt-upright in my bed, screaming at the ceiling as I slowly realised that the dream was over, and I was alone again. My heart pounded inside my chest, threatening to break free. My breath came in whispery gasps, and I struggled to regain my sanity as the door exploded open in a shower of splinters. A burly, indescribably hairy man burst through the now empty doorway wearing a burnished bronze chest-plate and a horned helmet. He towered over me as I quaked with fear and said, rather casually in an Australian accent, further accented by a severe lisp, “G’day mate. My name if Fhor!”. He blinked at me. I screamed.

I woke up bolt-upright in my bed, screaming at the ceiling as I slowly realised that the dream was over, and I was alone again. My heart pounded inside my chest, threatening to break free. My breath came in whispery gasps, and I struggled to regain my sanity. I stared at the door, willing it to stay complete and splinter-free. Thankfully it complied.

I threw myself against the bed.

Never again will I read the Bible before going to sleep while eating cheese covered chocolate biscuits.

NEVER!!!

An Atheist’s Guide To Women

This guide is provided as assistance to those of us (believer and heathen alike) who have trouble understanding the fairer sex. Neither I nor this blog take any responsibility for injury or loss resulting from misuse of this guide.

  • If a woman, either on-line or in the real world, tells you they will be right back and inform you that the reason for leaving is an urgent need to urinate, it is a fairly safe bet that this woman either likes you or is at least comfortable around you.
  • If a woman asks you the standard “how does this look on me” question, it is always best to advise her to rely on her own sense of taste, possibly with a remark like: “Look at me. Do you really want fashion advice from this guy?” If this fails, running away is then recommended. If this also fails, remain as non-committal as possible, forcing her hand, and she will most likely be too annoyed with you to buy the item in question and will want to leave. This will however sour relations for the rest of the day, so this is to be avoided at all costs.
  • If a woman begins to tell you something and then suddenly stops, and further probing only results in an irritated “It was nothing”, don’t fall for this simple ruse, it was SOMETHING.
  • If a woman you are getting to know seems more interested in your mother than your discussions on Particle Physics or Star Trek, then it is a clear sign that you should steer the conversation into more open waters as her interest in you is slowly running aground among the rocks of overzealous intellectualism.
  • If a woman shares your interest in Particle Physics and Star Trek, it is STILL a good idea to avoid spending 3-4 hours discussing the latest Laser Optimetric method for examining exotic particles.
  • She does not want to see your collection of Action Figures.
  • If you have to be the one to suggest the possibility of a threesome with your attractive female college friend, it is a good sign that making said suggestion will only result in strained tensions. And no, I did not say “strained tendons”.
  • It is quite okay for a woman to comment favourably upon the physical attributes of others, but it is NOT okay for you to do so. In their presence, at least.

This guide is brought to you by the wonderful folks at Midwest Humanists. Please exercise caution when using this guide.

Enjoy!

Friday Music – Roy Zimmerman

This guy does the best unexpected rhymes that I’ve come accross in ages. Who would think of rhyming “survival of the fittest” with “bull shit test”?  Should raise a smile among all rationalists.

Friday Music – Tim Minchin

Since he was featured as one of the New Humanist Advent podcast guests and was mentioned on Pharyngula I have been listening to/watching a lot of Tim Minchin and liking him more and more.

Below is a song that seems particulally apt for this blog. There’s lots more on YouTube but I like to keep things PG around here and most of it is NSFW so I’ll let you search for it yourselves.

The Inestimable Edward Current and Something More Serious

Fron Edward Current some humour

and from shanedk a little history lesson.

Santa Vs. God

Dear Children

Dear Children

 

The Check list You'll need

The Check list You'll need

The Word – The Unbearable Lightness of Supreme Being

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Still a Lie (Portal, Still Alive parody)

All roads seem to lead to Jonathan Coulton at the moment…

via Atheist Nation

Jon Stewart Tries to Talk Some Sense into Mike Huckabee

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Jon Stewart Tries to Talk Some Sense …“, posted with vodpod

Needless to say the attempt fails. It’s a sad state of affairs but this is probably the toughest interview Huckabee will face on his current book tour.